Sunday, August 9, 2015

The time I learned you shouldn't kiss on a first date

Guys. After a seven year drought, I've been kissed. And fake dated. And fake dumped. All in one month.
Spade here.
This story is real good. Hold out til the end. It's totally worth it.

This all begins at the beginning of July. I joined a softball team (2nd base, bruh) and I knew a coupla people who were on the team. When I got there, I met three other guys who were friends. None in particular stood out. We played two games together, and because I didn't have my eye on any of them I was able to act like a normal person/cool Spade style.

The third game I hit a ball and came home, and one of the guys, we'll call him Aspen for the sake of the story, said, "Hey good hit."

I replied, "Thanks, man." (I know you guys I'm a real charmer, smh)

Him, "What did you just call me?"


"Oh, I thought you said babe."

"Haha," I laughed (and suddenly felt nervous). "Are we not ready for that yet? I thought our relationship was there." (Clever girl.)

He laughs. We talk. Find an instant connection and call each other babe for the rest of the night. I have to leave early. He comes with his friends (who are now my friends) to my football game. We hang out after. He finds me on FB, asks for my number, and now we are texting.

We have another softball game that week and he texts me and says, hey we should watch a movie after the game. I agree.

So here we are. We end up at my house (and I drove which is weird). First, I say I'm hungry and he does too so we (and by we I mean I - I guess he cut the peppers) make chicken tacos. He loves them, which is not shocking because I'm pretty all right at cooking. Then we put in A Knights Tale.

The best phrase I can use to describe out positioning on the couch is "settling in." We are side by side, and then suddenly his arm is around me. Then suddenly he is rubbing my arm. I LITERALLY CAN'T EVEN BREATHE. I'm talking to myself, "In through the nose, out through the mouth."

Then his other arm is on my arm. Literally this guy is everywhere. He can't keep his hands to himself, and I don't hate it for a second. Then, he is touching my hair and my face and RUBBING MY LIPS. (Admittedly in hindsight this is a little weird, but in the moment it was okay.) Then we are kissing. We are kissing a lot.

There was a moment where I was viewing this whole spectacle while it was happening. The kiss was just okay. No tongue. Just lots of kissing. And then the movie is over and repeating the opening selection phrase and it's getting annoying. Then I say, "We should probably stop." And we do and I take him home and he tells me to drive safe.

This is what I've learned guys... DON'T KISS ON A FIRST DATE. Even if it feels right. Because there is no foundation to talk about questions and you have no idea what a kiss means to this guy. After seven years, you don't even know what it means to you. All you know is you now feel more invested than you think you should be and you don't quite know what to do with these feelings. My mantra through this whole thing, "Play it cool."

But you can literally only play it cool for so long.

We text the next day for a bit, and I try not to freak out about things. I had a reception to go to, but he says he is tired. This makes me worried.
Eventually we communicate to each other that yes that was fast, and yes we still want to see each other. So I think we are chill.

The next time we see each other is another softball game and at this game he is super bugged. He didn't get into the program he wanted to get into for school, so he's upset. I say, "Want to hang out after this?" He says yes. I have a cool idea to go paint in the park. We do and it's really fun. And we end up kissing again and staying out until three in the morning.

Now after two episodes of this, I'm a little confused. One time could be a potential booty call. Twice is a pattern. So still trying to be chill, but also trying to figure out motives.

I can't remember much of what happens during the middle weeks of July, but I do know that I find out that he's recently been dumped. So I question whether or not I'm a rebound. We text a lot. He has off days. We see each other sometimes. We talk about everything. He tells me things he allegedly doesn't tell anyone else.

But he never asks me out. He says he's not ready for a relationship and he's not asking anyone out right now. I try to be patient. He gives me more than enough to go off of that he is looking forward to the future.

Then I head to Idaho for a break over the 24th. Before I leave we swim together and kiss. He tells me he's not ready to define what we are. I tell him I don't know if I'm okay with that. I leave and say I'm not going to think about it over the weekend. When I get home I tell him I want to see him and we have seriously the BEST NIGHT EVER. It is so fun and playful and we talk about deep things and he tells me things that are going on and it's so amazing... It felt like we were in a relationship. That night he tried on a pair of my pants (weird). He also said, "What if we were married?" He said I looked smokin' and he kissed me even though I told him we weren't going to kiss until he took me on a date. It hurts now to think back on that day because it was so good.

The next day he's supposed to help me move. We have a miscommunication and he doesn't end up coming over until midnight. We move my stuff and it feels different. After, he says he wants to talk. He tells me he can't hang out one-on-one anymore because it isn't "good for him." He says he doesn't think straight when I'm around. He says he's not ready for a relationship or to date anyone. He says he thinks we should not see so much of each other. He says he needs to work through these things and he can't do it when I'm around because he forgets. I ask him why we can't work through these things together. He says he needs to do it alone. I ask him if he's sure. He says he's sure. He leaves, but I left my watch in his car so he has to come back. It hurts to see him again. While he was talking to me I felt nothing. When he left, I cried. My roommate actually came downstairs by chance and saw me alone in the dark sobbing. It hurt really bad.

The next day, work was really hard. I didn't want to do anything and I couldn't stop thinking about it or crying. We actually had a softball game that night and I had to see him. I was not nice. Then I felt bad for not being nice and I went to his (and the other guys) football game with the girls and tried to talk to him. I texted him later and said I was sorry for acting weird, I just didn't know how to act. He said it was fine, and he understood.

The next day was nothing.

The day after we texted and he told me he was having a hard time.

Then he got sick. I told him I was going to bring him lunch. At lunch we smiled a lot and he touched my foot and knee. He was sick though, so we didn't really do anything else.

The next day we texted until 4 a.m. He texted me the next morning and we talked throughout the day. It felt like things were finally normal. He was asking me all things Spade. He said again, "We should just get married." In fact that's the last thing he said to me before crap hit the fan, which is the only expression which describes the following events perfectly.

So when we were texting until 4 a.m. he asks me if I know a girl which we will call Susan, for the sake of the story. I met her once or twice, and she is my roommates best friend's cousin. So rando, I know. So we've got Susan, the niece, and Penny, the aunt.

Penny and Susan are talking and Susan mentions this boy that has taken her out FOUR TIMES IN THE LAST MONTH, Apsen. Penny is very aware of the things that have been happening between the two of us, so she says, you should ask Aspen how he knows Spade.

She does.

He says the following, "Oh yeah we play softball together. She's actually super into me and asked me out once, so I went out with her and it was weird."

"She's 25 and it's weird she's into me. She's just not really my type."

I couldn't even. I still can't even. I was shocked. Totally blindsighted that he would say something like that. It was appalling.

So I did what any angry 20-something would do, I confronted.

I texted, "Hey you know how you're not going on dates with anyone right now."
Aspen, "Mm why?"
Me, "You're a liar." And I told him why he was a liar.

He defended and said we were never dating, which we weren't. He said there was no commitment, which there wasn't. But he legit told me he wasn't dating anyone right now. And here I was, being patient and waiting for him to overcome his issues, when he was OVER THEM. I was just an idiot who couldn't read the huge sign right in front of me. He kept saying, "I just valued your friendship so much." But I just couldn't get those words out of my head, "25 and into me. super weird. not my type." This was so inconsistent with how he'd been acting. I didn't get it. I told him if he was a real man he would apologize in person. He called me and left a dramatic apology and said he wanted to see me and talk. At the same time, Penny showed me a text he sent Susan that said, "Hey Tori is super mad at me for taking you on dates. So if you hear any garbage, that's why."

Wow. Apsen. You are a jerk.

Eventually we talked, but I had nothing to say to him. He tried to appease both sides and cover his tracks, and in the end he didn't get either girl. Apparently he wasn't very honest with Susan either. She said she was going to tell him tonight that she just wanted to be friends, anyway. Things at first were blown out of proportion, because Penny made it seem like Apsen and I were dating, but I made sure to clear all that up. We weren't dating. No commitment. Just claims of one of his best friends that soon went down the toilet.

After I left, nothing really sunk in. I unfollowed him on everything and just tried to fathom what happened. It hurt that he would say those things. At first, I couldn't even believe he said them. That's not who I thought he was. I was shocked I allowed it to happen. I realize I made many mistakes along the journey, and literally red flags were everywhere, but in the moment they didn't even seem like flags. They were just things he needed to work through before we got to where I wanted us to be.

I texted him two days later and apologized for letting myself react and not think in the situation. Things between him and Susan were ruined - which he mostly did on his own. I tried to make sure she knew the truth. We talked that night and compared notes and found out how much he lied. About when we last kissed, how we went out, what our relationship was like, how he felt about me. Maybe he was being honest there to her, but that meant the whole time he wasn't being honest with me.

So here I am now. Three days have passed since this happened. I don't really know how to feel about everything. I still want to know what he's doing and regret/am happy I unfollowed him on Facebook. I want him to feel sorry and really apologize, but also I never want to see him again. I want to feel the way I did when I was around him and things were good. I want to feel that instant connection again.

Dating is hard. Dating is really really hard. I think I'm going to take a break from it for a while.

And not play softball for a while. Or listen to "Would you go with me?" or eat at his favorite restaurant.

Next time, no kissing on the first date.


Sunday, March 8, 2015

My first Tinder date

You guyz it is time! I finally went on a Tinder date! Ring out the wild bells ... or something. JTLYK (just to let you know) I will be referring to Tinder as Tindy from now on. I'm unsure why, but it's sticking.

So my Tindy date.

First, I didn't give him my phone number and said that we should meet there. Am I paranoid? Yes. The answer is a hard yes. He thought it was kinda weird, but didn't let on too much so he agreed to meet me at a local eatery.

So this guy's profile says something about being "just a European guys trying to find his way in this world" or something like that. So I'm thinking, "Okay this guy wants to seem exotic, but really he just ate a Aero bar and listened to T Swift and he now feels a connection to the Old Country or something. (But seriously guys mail order an Aero bar. They're so worth it.)

So I wait in front of the restaurant. And wait. And wait. And think, "Wow if I'm getting stood up for my first Tindy experience then I'm going to flip a B and purchase a Little Ceasars pizza and eat the whole thing." (Little Ceasars was right next to me. That is not typically my emotional eating go-to.)

Then, suddenly, he appears. And you guys, he's way cute. Not like a, "Take me I'm yours," kind of cute, but a "Met you in an airplane and we had a connection but we are going to opposite ends of the country and I'll remember you forever," kind of cute.

And he was 100%, adorably, European. Think Massimo off of the wedding planner. Think, foreign, smiley, and happy.

I was enamored.

We got food, sat, and talked for about an hour. We'll call him Massimo, for the sake of the story.

Massimo is passionate about living life. He travels everywhere. I'm pretty sure he is loaded. He didn't want to waste his twenties so he got certified to solo sky dive. He loves meeting people. He is happy. He asked questions, but mostly just talked about himself. He was so fun! And happy! And I just loved it. It was so nice to 1. actually go on a date, and 2. enjoy it.

We were cleaning up and he spoke the words I will never forget:
"Tori, will you care for an ice cream."

YES I WILL CARE FOR ONE, MASSIMO. Past tense, present tense, I'm there.

So we drove in his Audi to get ice cream, and he teased me about getting up the courage to go somewhere with him. He made a lot of jokes that weren't very funny, but I laughed because I couldn't help it. He was just so cute.

We ate the ice cream (he's obsessed with chocolate) and he took me back to my car, and the wonderful scene in the middle of the chick flick where things are just starting to go right for the Kate Hudson-esque character ended. I gave him my phone number and he texted me a little today.

And that was that.

First Tinder date: success.


P.S. Just to give you a little glimpse of my Tindy Massimo:

Thursday, March 5, 2015

Hot or Not

Kim K has been in Paris, and yesterday she debuted a new hairstyle:

Oh hey Kanye

Now I'm not going to say that she looks like she walked off the set of Star Trek or that her hair has a striking resemblance to Legolas, but I will say that Kim Kardashian has made some interesting choices. Like the time she released a sex tape to be famous. Or the time she was married for only 72 days. Or the time that the next guy she married was this guy. And this is, yet again, an interesting choice that I'll have to rate as not hot. We know how pretty our Armenian princess can be, and this look is showing no signs of enhancing her beauty. This look may not break the internet, but it will break her hair. So change it back quick Kim before your hair is too damaged or we'll all be looking like this:


Wednesday, March 4, 2015

The Day I Was a Hot Mess

It was a sunny day in April of 2014. I had just started dating the guy of my dreams. He was everything I had hoped for in a guy and more. I had just gotten out of a long-term relationship and was so happy to be with someone that I felt so proud of and had such strong feelings for. I didn't want to screw this one up. 

He invited me to go to a basketball game in the city for the evening with all of his friends. He worked close to where the basketball game would be played, and I lived 45 minutes away. Normally when we had gone to events in the city we would drive, but he thought it would be fun to take the train. The plan was after he got off work at 5 p.m. he was going to ride the train to where I was living (what a sweetheart, yeah?), I would meet him at the train station at 6 pm, and at one of the stops on the way back to the city, two of his childhood best friends Nelson and Eleanor, who were married and who I had met once before, would be joining us, and we would be at the game by 7 o’clock, 30 minutes before it started. It was going to be perfect. 

My day started like any other. I had everything planned out. I was going to go to class. Come home by 4 pm. Go to Costco. Buy my favorite wheat bread to make a sandwich for my boyfriend and I to eat on the train as a surprise so that we wouldn’t starve during the game or have to buy an $8 hot dog. Wash and do my hair. Change my outfit. Touch-up my makeup. I was mentally imagining the praises I would get of what a nice girlfriend I was for making such nice sandwiches on such nice bread and how I would be told how good I looked. It was going to be perfect.

The day started, and all was going according to plan. I went to class, came home, was home by 4 pm and went to Costco. I got the bread. By the time I left the store it was around 5. I’d have 1 hour left to wash my hair, find something to wear, and do my makeup. Everything was going to be perfect.

And then something happened that I hadn’t expected or given time for in my schedule: traffic. Not only just traffic from college students and people leaving work, but an accident had happened on the main street of the town, which was the street I needed to get back to my house. Cars were backed up. I was stuck. I watched the clock as the minutes ticked away. Everything was going to work out. It had to.

By the time I got back to my house it was 5:40, and I had 20 minutes until the train left. I was a chicken with my head cut off. I cut chunks of cheese and tomatoes and threw pieces of meat and lettuce on the bread. The sandwiches were so large I could barely fit them it into sandwich baggies, so I smashed them down and put them in my purse with an apple. I ran to my closet. Do I wear the team’s colors or should I go with something neutral? I went for neutral. I threw on a wife beater, a gray cardi, and put on some hoop earrings. I was on my period, so I grabbed some extra tampons.  I ran out to my car. I had 10 minutes to get to the train station, park my car, and get on the train. I could do it. I took a short cut and drove through some neighborhood streets that would eliminate all but one traffic light. I was going 50 down 25’s.  I made it to the one traffic light I needed. It was 5:54. I was getting multiple calls and texts from my boyfriend. I couldn’t answer. Every second I was checking the time and praying the light would turn green. At 5:57 I got the green light. A minute and a half later I was at the train station and was parking the car. It was 5:59. I had never ridden the train before and didn’t know where to go. My boyfriend and a train worker emerged from the train as I was walking to the wrong boarding location and yelled at me, “RUN!” What?? Run? I’m going to look stupid! I ran anyways. I made it on the train. 10 seconds later the door closed and off we went.

I was sweating. The stress of the events were taking a toll on me, and I was exhausted. I thought my boyfriend and I would have more time to be on the train together before his friends arrived. But before I knew it we were at their stop. They boarded and began talking about memories and jokes I knew nothing about. I felt left out, and had felt this way almost every time we were with his friends and family. My mind was racing as I stared out the window, “Is this how it is always going to be? Am I going to just have to sit here all the time? We’ve only been dating a couple of weeks… am I overreacting?” I soon regretted bringing the sandwiches. What was I going to do, pull the smashed sandwiches out of my Mary Poppin’s bag like a PTA mom and eat them in front of his friends? To make matters worse Nelson then said, “Maybe before the game we can get something to eat.” Why did I go to Costco all for this stupid sandwich? I’m an idiot. Eleanor had on an outfit that looked like it was from Banana Republic. I had on a wife beater and hoops. I felt like an idiot. I couldn’t take it anymore. I needed help. So naturally I texted Spade:

She told me she would call me, so I went to the lower level of the train and gave her a 1 minute breakdown of everything that was happening. And then Spade told me something that rocked my world: “You are a hot mess.” And I was. With an emphasis on mess. It resonated inside of me and somehow made me feel better. I was on my period. I was sweaty. I felt embarrassed for being late. My boyfriend’s friends probably thought I was rude. I didn’t feel cute. I was... a mess. My only regret was that my sandwich was still upstairs sitting in my purse on my seat. I went and got it, went back downstairs, and ate my sandwich as I cried and laughed with Spade on the phone. Because in the moment I felt terrible, but I knew it was funny. It felt like I was on a sitcom and that the only thing that could make the day worse/episode better was if I spilled some mustard on my shirt. We got to the stadium and as we were about to go inside, I noticed a big sign that said, "No food or drink allowed inside the venue." I panicked. My ticket had already been scanned and soon the security guards would check my purse, discard my sandwich, and my boyfriend would see what an idiot I was. I pretended to receive a phone call and ran outside. I found a trash can just a little out of sight, ducked to the ground, threw out the extra sandwich, and tried to emerge from hiding behind the trash can without my boyfriend seeing, as he scanned the crowds trying to find where I had gone. (Nelson later expressed that he was sad there wasn’t time before the game to go get food. Should’ve brought a sanny, Nels. Should’ve brought a sanny.) But my night changed for the better when we had food passes and I was able to get nachos, a Diet Coke, a cookie, and some popcorn.

Spade and I laugh hysterically about this story now. I, on the regular, make sandwiches for my boyfriend and openly give them to him, which he gratefully receives. I still believe that Coke, queso, a cookie, or popcorn can improve any day. Every day in life is not going to go according to plan. And sometimes you’ve just got to call a friend, laugh, and cry. Some days you’re just going to be a hot mess. And that’s okay.


Sunday, March 1, 2015

Tinder woes and I'm not a [insert word here that rhymes with woe]

I am reconsidering the title of this post, but I just want the whole world to know, "I am not a hoe."

Am I even spelling that correctly? This isn't the garden tool we're talking about. But I'm glad we could segue into tools...

First, a bit of background.
This year my goal is to do things I am uncomfortable with. I am uncomfortable with Tinder because to me it is shallow and demeaning. I'm also uncomfortable with the fact that Tinder is, in fact, real life. You see a person, decide if you think they're attractive, then make your move from there.

I decided to force myself to do Tinder. Mostly because I want to go on dates. I've learned, via Matthew Hussey, a former single (only recently dating) dating coach who told me personally (in his book on tape) that to date you need to meet more people. I need to meet more people because my current pool of men is exhausted (more on that in a later post).

So here I am on Tinder.

I've been on it for the whole month of February.

Here are my Tinder States:
28 days
54 matches
0 dates
5 legitimate conversations
1 casual offer for fun later that night (unsure about what that entailed but I said "Nah")
7 matches with friends I knew well and we just made fun of each other

So I've got a solid 45 people who thought I was something, but did nothing about it.

Cool, Tinder. (I use those words together on purpose for imagery).

What have I decided from this?

I'm going to stay on Tinder until I go on at least ONE TINDER DATE! Is this impossible? I have no clue, but a guy just messaged me with this, "Did you know Cookie Monster's real name is Sid?" So I think things are looking up.


Saturday, January 17, 2015

How to build the perfect man Tinder profile

I've been on Tinder for two days now.
I could talk about my experiences: the small chats that haven't led to anywhere yet, or the people who I see at the gym EVERY DAY who are now appearing as options, but I won't.
Rather I want to talk about the man profile. 
The Tinder man profile.
I feel like I need to teach a class, because some of these profiles are SO BAD it hurts. Like literally my finger hurts from swiping left so many times. 
The purpose of your profile is to catch the ladies' eyes NOT to make me run away. So here are my tips. Please implement them so you can get dates and so I can swipe right.

1. The first picture, also known as the hook
The first picture is everything! That is the only thing people see besides you age. This picture needs to be of one person: you! I don't understand the men who put pictures of their feet, or the top of their head or their SEVEN friends as the first picture. How am I supposed to know which one you are, or how great your face is, because WOWZA, you have great socks. If your first picture is good, then the woman's curiosity and propensity to swipe right will one increase. I promise. This has happened to me in my two days of Tindering. First picture. Do it. Note: It can be your face, but if it is not (you doing something cool on skis etc.) make sure the second picture is of one thing: your face. Just you. Can I say that enough?

Now once you've cleared the first stage, the girl is going to click to see if she likes more. 

2. The description. 
I like the funny ones. Like this guy:

"Look at that face
You look like
My next mistake"

I didn't even click further I just swiped as fast as Taylor Swifts next flame burns out. 

It's cool to know what you do. It's cool when it is supported by a picture. You may fear this makes you sound like a nice guy but actually it just makes you sound normal, which is something we all need a little more of in the Tinderworld.

But please do NOT tell me how to live my life in your description.

My favorites:
"Let me guess: you love adventure." - You sound like like you have a big head here. Maybe change it to something like, "I too like adventure."
"Don't swipe right if you don't like [insert animal here]." - Even if I liked that animal I don't like you. It sounds like you have a hard head here. Maybe change it to something like, "Dog lover is a HUGE bonus."
"DTF" - No.
"I don't do anything besides [insert extreme sport here - mostly skiing]." - Sounds like you don't have a life, which is definitely something I've been looking for. That's why I'm on Tinder. To find a boring man who only does one extreme sport that I can't even cheer him on at.
"Tell me more about your paleo diet." - Good job starting the conversation talking about a diet. 

Just make it fun and playful and about YOU. Give us something to work with. Some guys don't have a description and I want to talk to them, but alas, the only thing I can come up with is "Is that a bottle of Heinz ketchup I see in that picture of half of your face in your second picture? I too love ketchup."

3. The final pictures. 
Once you've passed the first test you can pretty much do whatever you want. Try to stay away from selfies. For some reason they make me feel weird about you. Perhaps that is just me.

4. The conversation.
I have no idea. Haven't gotten this far yet. A boy messaged me and said, "Hey cutie. :)" I hated it. I think I'm not cut out for the Tinderverse. But February is Tinder month, so I will press on.

More updates to come later this month.